- Bella2016
- Posts: 2
This is my very first post and thought I would reach out for some support. We lost our baby at 10 weeks, a week ago. It's all very raw at the moment. It's very hard to even type that - it's difficult to believe. We went public to the Rotunda.
I'm 33 and recently married and we were so thrilled to get pregnant quite soon after our wedding. We have been talking about kids for some time now. The 12 weeks scan was due the week before Christmas and seemed perfect for announcing the big news to the family.
I've read a lot of blogs and information on miscarriage this past week. It's not just the baby but it's the hopes and dreams you lose along with it. We were nervous about planning the future but I couldn't help buy a baby outfit, talk about creches and baby names. It was all part of the excitement. Bella was my Grandmother's name and I was keen on it, hence the username.
I had no idea really what a miscarriage would be like. I never thought it would be this traumatic. About a week and half ago (Tues) I starting to notice some light spotting. I gasped but thought 'don't panic, it's probably normal'. I went into my husband and said I'm bleeding but I'll just see the doctor the following morning and go from there. I didn't sleep that much that night. Went to the doctor the following morning, I was crying as I couldn't hold back the fear any longer. My husband comforting me. The doctor said it's best to go to the Early Pregnancy Unit. I rang them but they said the next appointment wasn't until Friday - 3 days later. I was advised to go to Emergency Dept. Husband and I went along and waited a very long 6 hours before we were seen. An abdominal scan was done on a very old machine! Not very reassuring. However, the midwife said all looked fine so we went home. No aftercare explained.
I went to work the following day despite feeling very tired and low as I wasn't sleeping with worry. I was still bleeding. I told my manager who was lovely to me about it all. Thursday - still bleeding but went to work as usual. However at lunch time I went to the loo and a clot came out onto the toilet paper. I burst into tears. I knew in my gut something was wrong. I rang the Rotunda and they said come straight in. My husband met me there. Had another scan with same midwife and again was told all was fine. She asked if I kept the clot, I said no. She asked me to describe it. It was dark blood clot, thick. She asked was it like liver, I said yes. The baby was measuring at 6 weeks on the scan. I was 9.5 weeks at that stage. She asked doctor for their opinion and I was referred to EPU the following day. She said my womb was closed and everything was in the right position on scan, she could see a yolk sac so was 'reassuring'. She said maybe the dates were wrong. I said they weren't but she said the scanner in EPU is better so they can get more detail. But overall very positive and we left. My hubby didn't go to EPU with me as we felt confident all was fine.
I went to EPU alone. Waited at hour and an abdominal scan was done. I was told quite quickly that they could ' see a yolk sac but not much else'. I protested and said exactly the same things as previous midwife told us and that all looked reassuring. The EPU midwife said at that stage all they could do is book another scan a week later to see if there's any change. I started to cry, realising what she was saying. I got a sick cert for the week and was told to rest. I left absolutely devastated. I walked down Parnell Street bawling my eyes out and drove home. I told my husband when he got home from work. We were still clinging onto the hope that maybe the scan measurements were based on actual size and not from the first date of my last period. I research this and it turns out the scans are based on actual size. So from when it's conceived, which could be a couple of weeks after the first day of last period. I found this very confusing which then led onto our last bit of hope that all would be ok in a weeks time.
Saturday - I decided to go home to my mother's house to rest there as my hubby continued to work and we thought it best I wasn't in my apartment alone. I started getting cramps on the drive home. I had no idea what what about to happen. I didn't research it and I wasn't warned in the hospital. I was still bleeding and it became heavier. Pads needed to be changed more regularly. I used a hot water bottle to ease the cramps. I read that cramps can also be normal but I knew this was all a bad sign. I was crying a lot and lay in bed. Suddenly the clots started. Apologies if this is too graphic for some readers but I rarely came across accounts where this was given in detail...
I could feel the clots come out - there were large lumps. it was horrendous. I had to find the strength to keep them though as the hospital may need it to examine them. So I began scooping them out of the loo as each of them left my body, and placed them into a container. They were all the same, large dark red clots. I researched that a foetus would look pinky/grey. None of them looked that way. I was losing a lot of blood as the night went on. I rang the Rotunda, the midwife said there was little they could do so I just had to let it happen. I eventually cried myself to sleep around midnight. I woke at 2am as the blood was pouring out of me and more clots. I ran to the loo and it was just awful. I cried and cried. I was in shock what was happening. I rang the Rotunda and they said go straight to Emergency.
I had to drive myself (took an hour) as no one in the house could drive me. The walk from where I parked the car to the hospital was horrendous. I was bleeding so much, soiling my clothes, it was going down my legs. I was seen straight away. The midwife and doctor said afterwards, I should have called an ambulance, that it was very dangerous to drive myself after losing so much blood. They checked the container of clots and said there was about 300ml blood in it, not counting the loss elsewhere. They put me on a drip. Doctor did an internal scan and eventually told me that he removed 'some tissue' which was coming out. I asked him what it was, he said it looked like part of the sac. Before this point there was no confirmation I was having a miscarriage. Only my gut was telling me. He said it was an 'incomplete miscarriage' and I was to stay overnight as I had lost so much blood. I was so upset. It was 5am and I still couldn't get my husband on the phone. I was brought up to the ward and was told I may be scanned in the morning if the doctor has time. Otherwise I would have to wait until Monday.
Sunday - my husband finally rang me at 6.30am. He arrive at 8am but was told it was too early to see me. The midwife was so cold and gave out saying 'I don't know how you even got in here'. He was told by reception he could visit from 8am. The ward midwife however, told him to wait until 9am. I was so upset. He was crying, he didn't want to leave me. We were devastated. He came back up at 9am. I was still bleeding and passing clots but not as heavy. Eventually the doctor came round at 2pm and scanned me internally. I couldn't see the screen. There was 7 beds in the ward, which included pregnant women who had the flu but were otherwise fine. It was just awful to share the room with others who didn't miscarry as well. The midwives seemed to have a look of being disturbed when I called them for anything, or ask a question. The Emergency team were much more compassionate. The doctor said it's still an incomplete miscarriage. There is some tissue still showing in the womb. She said we had 3 options 1) let it pass naturally, 2) take medication to help speed up the process, 3) a D&C. She said the D&C was unnecessary though, as it seemed I passed a lot of the clots already. I didn't know what to do. I still couldn't believe we had lost it. I asked do we need to decide right now and she said yes. I said I don't like taking medication in general. She said it was up to me. We spoke about the pros and cons some more and I took the 3 tablets. I can honestly say this was probably the saddest moment of them all. My husband and I sitting on the ward bed bawling crying as I took the 3 tablets which was aiding the miscarriage of our precious baby. I don't know if that memory will ever leave me.
I was advised to rest for a couple of hours so the midwives could monitor me. I just wanted to go home at that stage. The ward was so bright and busy. We didn't have any privacy to grieve. I left Sunday evening. We were met by a woman and her newborn in the lift. My husband overheard her telling her friend the name of the baby, it was Bella. I was in a daze and didn't hear this. I couldn't believe it when my husband told me the following day. I went straight to bed Sunday night. I got up a few hours later and passed what I thought was another clot. When I took it out of the toilet bowl it was different from the other clots. I was so shocked to see it looked like the rest of the sac. I told my husband and got into bed. There was nothing we could or do but cry and hold each other.
I have been off work this past week resting as much as I can and trying not think about it all. I would have never thought it would be this traumatic to lose our baby at this early stage. But I'm crying so much. I have read numerous other stories of miscarriage this week. Everyone is different. But I just can't face work. I'm still bleeding but it's much lighter. I am due to go back to EPU on Wednesday to confirm the miscarriage is complete. I just don't know what it'l be like to see nothing there.
We have support from family and friends. We know it's common but it doesn't make it any easier. It was our first baby. Ours. We are not a statistic that can be thrown around like it's some way to comfort us. It doesn't. Then some say we can try again. Like nothing has happened. It's still so raw. And when I actually contemplate having another one, I feel guilty. But then at the same time, I missed feeling pregnant. My emotions are all over the place. So I don't think we'll do anything for a month or two. My husband has been amazing. He listens and hugs me. But I'm not sure he understands why I'm still crying a week later. He keeps saying 'we need to stay positive. At least we got pregnant in the first place'. And I get that. But it's so soon. I need to just grieve and I feel rushed to just move on. He didn't see what I saw. He didn't feel what I felt. And I don't want to describe it to him as I know he's not able for it. But I think he would understand more if I did. I cry randomly. Distraction helps but not all the time. Trying to laugh and get enjoyment at the moment even makes me feel guilty.
I've wondered how much time off work people have taken. I'm off a week and 2 days now. And I still don't feel ready. Especially as the follow up scan is this coming Wednesday to check it's 'complete'. Perhaps others can share what they did? My work is very understanding thankfully but I feel so guilty as it's a busy time of year. But I know I would cry in there too and be a basket case.
Anyway, I thought I would share my experience in case it helps others. It also helps me put it all down and be totally honest. Thanks to anyone who read all of this, I appreciate your time. And I hope I haven't upset anyone along the way. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone.
Take care of yourselves, x
