Because Dads experience Miscarriage too Post a reply

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http://www.independent.ie/opinion/comme ... 75845.html

This is an article for Dads who have lost their baby to miscarrige. Its not just the mums-to-be who feel the loss, the Dad-to-be can feel it very deeply too.

HTH

[Joe Cleary]

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I find it quite stunning that your husband wasn't allowed to be at your side supporting you during what you describe as “a very traumatic experience”. Indeed most humans enter into relationships that form couples precisely because it means having someone to rely upon for support in exactly this kind of situation. In an age where insurance companies and the legal profession are so intimately involved in our health care systems that protocols are adhered to over prioritising a response to unpredictable human suffering, your husband was kept separated off from you leaving both of you vulnerable and isolated. A very bizarre situation.

You touch upon the wider issue of how men behave and how they are viewed in Ireland, and a lot of the Western world, around becoming fathers and their roles in modern life. Many men still cling to the bygone idea of the 'strong, silent type' and think that they have to be a Superman figure, invulnerable to suffering, in order to be a man. Traditional roles for men as 'the head of the family' and final decision maker – roles that were taken for granted by our grandparents and great-grandparents – are no longer functional for most people in the lives of couples and families. As our society evolves many men are finding it difficult to establish a new sense of masculinity that incorporates the expression of suffering and developing the language and abilities to stand up for their own emotional well-being without viewing this as a failure or weakness.

While these are broader points about our society, I think they affected you and your husband on such a personal level because as a society we generally aren't talking about this – and I suggest that you wrote your article in response to this. It strikes me that if more men asked for counselling and care from maternity hospitals then they may respond to the demand for help and put counselling in place as a standard for everyone. While we should definitely expect more from our health care system, we often have to take the lead. You both began to mobilise the language that you needed to deal with what you had experienced, but I'm going to play devil's advocate for a moment and say that it's interesting that your husband encouraged you to go to counselling but may not have engaged with it himself? Do men in general think that their suffering is less important than their partner's and therefore choose not to work with someone on it?

[Sabbi]

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I actually asked at the hospital if my husband could come to the couselling session with me but they said no.

The hospital added to our grief so much by forcing us to be apart during the miscarriage and also, by not keeping my husband updated on what was happening. This meant when I was finally wheeled out of the Emergency room, I was the person who had to tell my husband that our baby was gone. The staff did not even do that - they left it to me and I thought that was exceptionally cruel and unforgivable

When I asked about why my husband could not come to the counselling with me, they said they did not offer counselling to the dads, only to the mums. This is another reason why its good to know about people like Joe, who can help is a mum, dad or couple want to talk about their loss and get some help and advice about coping with the loss.

Thankfully, the Miscarriage Association does not discriminate and they are superbly supportive to both parents who are dealing with Miscarriage. They have phone support, group meetings and are really helpful.

I have to say though, I did find the counselling that I had one on one very helpful.

I would recommend anyone who is dealing with a miscarriage to talk to someone. It can be hard for a couple to talk about it together and a counsellor can really help with that.

the counsellor I saw recommended I keep a diary and this was so good for me, it let me say all the things I wanted to say on paper without worrying about hurting anyone's feelings

its still a bit taboo for some people to talk about this topic but I hope discussing it on here and writing articles about it will encourage some others to feel more able to talk about it