- anw
- Posts: 13
I basically ran myself into the ground. I was juggling kids, house, shopping, washing, cooking, cleaning, WORKING, then dealing with crying screaming kids, etc etc etc .
People STUPIDLY 'comforted' me at work by saying: 'Ah sure, when you're at work you're getting a break'. But it wasn't that simple. If I were at home during the day, with the kids in the crèche, I could DO the household chores ready to receive the kids coming home! Instead, I RUSHED to crèche in the morning at 9am and parked the car, RAN to work to be there at 9.30am, after work finished I ran back to the parked car hoping to reach the crèche at 5pm sharp before they shut.
I had voluntarily signed up for my job because I was worried about all the hounding letters I had been getting from the dole office to look for work. I had been warned they would soon force me into a work for dole job of their choosing shortly and I was afraid of that. At the time I was 5 months pregnant with what I assumed was one baby, no-one knew it was twins till the week after. I was already 4 months into the job when I took my maternity leave- 2 days later, the twins came. I loved the idea of twins, I had always hoped for them- however the reality was shockingly different. The whole thing was horrible. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Looking back though, I realize I was just burned out. My boss was real shitty. I was almost due to give birth and he was telling me ‘pregnancy is no excuse for sitting down’ at work on a chair!!!! Before my maternity leave started he accused me of things I hadn’t done and called me into disciplinary meetings over petty errors and threatened me with the sack, and told me warning letters would be issued. In a panic I went home to discover online, that if I was fired the dole office wouldn’t pay me any money for 9 weeks as a punishment. I was so sick with anger and fear I would go into work the next day seething with anger and sinking into depression.
If I left work because of the bullying (as I was told by Citizens Advice) I was informed that to prove to the Dole Office that I had a good reason to leave, I would have to seek a legal team out and provide the state with evidence of this. It would take a long time and I was warned I might not succeed. I persevered instead. It had a very bad effect on me. I returned to work after 7 months, almost crying with dread. I spent months trying to figure out if I could get out of it.
I did research and made phone calls to be told that I was trapped. There is no social assistance payment for mothers looking after their children. Only if you are single. Then they don’t ask you to look for work because you are a single parent. The only other shittier option was to go down from €188 euro per week payment to €124 as an ‘add-on’ on my partner’s college payment (also a dole payment but it supports his study). I refused to do that as I was already having to shell out €165 a week for all my 3 kids to attend crèche and that’s AFTER a state subsidy!!! I couldn’t afford to live in such dire poverty so I put money before my mental health. It was a very bad trade off.
I was now inside my car at 80m.p.h driving down the motorway, checking my rear-view mirror. I was waiting for a long break in the traffic behind me, praying for the strength of mind and courage to swing my steering wheel sharply into the barrier. I played with this thought for several minutes. I eventually reached my destination and rang the Samaritans helpline. I was too ashamed to say what had happened, I was afraid I was being recorded and that it would be traced back to my phone and my kids would be taken away from their mentally unfit mother. So I was scared to seek help. I cried. And cried. And was afraid to take long drives because the temptation and plans to crash were so intense.
I had 6 weeks left of my work contract and I had a breakdown… I wasn’t able to finish, I knew that. I don’t quite recall how exactly I ended up in the psychiatric ward but suddenly here I was after weeks of tears and misery and suicidal feelings. I was still anxious and overwhelmed. Weeks went by and the nurses were asking was I rested. I wasn’t! I spent my time there worried about not being at work and the fact that I wouldn’t get paid from the state. So one day I lay down staring at the foam tiles on the ceiling and the metal bars separating them and an idea formed in my mind to hang myself on them. So when the nurses finished their 15 minute checks I took my handbag strap and tied one end to the bars and the other around my neck, standing onto a table I had dragged underneath. I stood praying for the strength to jump.
It happened to be my birthday and a passing patient came in to hand me my card. She screamed and the panic button was pressed: 11 staff teamed all around me in 3 seconds and I was injected and slammed into High Observation, a little prison cell shared with a dangerous psycho who was so bad 2 security guards manned his doorway. I slept through the next 7 days in a haze.
Eventually I was well enough to hold a conversation with my hospital social worker, who rang my boss and he said I would continue to be paid. I was relieved. It compensated for the way he had treated me all along and also meant that my scheme would be considered as finished even though I wasn’t actually there. So here I am 8 months later after having lots of tablets and help and I am feeling better, thank God.
