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"Life can sometime feel like you are sailing a glass boat on the calmest waters, some gentle waves and some really high storms. For many life goes on hurdles come in the way but they are easy enough to jump over. But for many these hurdles no matter how small seem so big it’s difficult to see over.
Suffering from depression an issue that still seems very much taboo can affect even the strongest person. Depression doesn’t discriminate, by age, sex, or cultural background. It can find its way in like a worm and untreated can develop into a huge snake that over takes the whole person. Depression doesn’t show itself clear with a neon sign, sometimes it hides right in plain sight and it takes a long time before realising it is there and needs addressing, sadly sometimes it can be too late.
One thing is for sure it’s okay to not be okay, and it’s okay to say it out loud without feeling judged or weak. But when knowing you are not okay and not saying anything that’s when it can become an even bigger problem. In this day and age with all the advertising of the importance of mental health and the many help lines available for those that may just need an ear, one might presume that everyone is at least checking their mental help and seeking help, however there are still many who still shy away from opening up. Why is this? Is it because it doesn’t feel nice to feel vulnerable? Or is it still a taboo subject? Or is it that we are just to wrapped up in our own everyday life battles that we fail to look out for one another or ourselves?
I suffer from depression. I had left it untreated and with a final breakdown I decided to do something about it as it was affecting me and my family. I did something about it and after a long while I felt wonderful. I began to feel like the old me again, and vowed I’d never let myself go in a downward spiral ever again. I have been off medication for some years.
Yes I have had up and down days like many, but it’s the days of just not caring and days of continuous crying over really silly things, not going out as much, avoiding certain events due to feeling self conscious, weight gain, paranoia, anxious about minor things but they became big issues, low self esteem and preferring to go to bed to see the day end so that I could just survive until the next.
I used to be the life and soul of the party, well I used to be the one to mingle chat and talk to anyone always ready to make people laugh when I could. I would be the one to go to talk about things (still am); I would always listen and throw in a joke to lighten the mood.
However while I sit and write this I realise that I have just once again realised that I require help yet again. All the signs I mentioned above have come back and even though I try desperately to fight them. I know I’m strong but find this time it’s the fear of reverting back and the vulnerability of it all. I think this time round I am more scared. Scared that it can come again start taking over and the more I think about it the more I am finding I am going faster and faster and afraid that this time I may not climb out of the darkness.
To those who know me they may see a person who cracks jokes, who will listen when they need someone to listen, someone who will be there to help out, whether it’s taking the kids so you can have some “me” time, will get creative and will spur on others with ideas that they want to try and bring a little light into their life. Someone who will always have your back and someone they can rely on.
Even though I may come across as the person that may seem okay from the outside and nothing gets in my way, someone who is feisty. What they don’t see is someone who is desperately trying to hide the fact they are slowly sinking inside trying so hard to fight the darkness and trying to cling on to the light that is shining ever so dimly.
Realising that others depend on me and have enough going on in their own life to be burdened with my problems I hide the fact that I am just not coping. Only those who truly know me can see right through me. It stems once again to the fact that being vulnerable is something I don’t want to covey though I am there when others are vulnerable. This can go against me as I don’t look for others to help me unload my feelings. I can feel so low that it nearly feels the walls are caving in and that if in some way I could practice what I preach then I would be okay, but sadly I’m not.
Sitting typing this it gives me a sense of relief that finally I am beginning to be a little more honest with myself and perhaps I may just about be able to be honest with others. It’s time to look at me, stop and instead of trying to convey the old me, I need to embrace the true current me and start healing myself. I need to put aside the feeling of shame, the feeling of vulnerability, the fear of what happens next or the “it’s okay I can go on I’m not depressed it’s just a down day or days”. I realise that sometimes your own company is your worst enemy, but sometimes your own company in times like this is all you have.
How to overcome this battle of depression? Well it’s taking the first step. This is the first step. I am going to stand up and fight against this. How I feel now, right now is that I am here, I am healthy, I am strong right now. However tomorrow may seem different but this is why I today I am making the first step so that tomorrow when the fighting spirit in me is drowning I will read this and follow through with step two, seeking help.
So to all who read this, I ask look around is there someone you think is okay but is not? Are you saying you are okay but are not? Take the first step, hold the light and shine it towards the darkness, and hold the candle of hope and lead yourself or that person out of the darkness.
