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[anw]

anw

 

Posts: 13

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hi all

my first time here and I really am struggling. It all began when I had the joyful news of expecting twins, I was elated, I really was. I only found out when I was almost 6 months pregnant that there were 2 babies. A shock!

At maternity leave from work, it was a new job and I hadn't enough stamps up for maternity benefit. I was informed of this by social welfare at a crucially stressful time, in the first fortnight of visiting the twins in their tanks. Building an appeal against it, took all my energy. I saw a politician and tried to build a good fight but I lost the appeal, unfairly.

As a result I lived on €124 euro a week instead of the 200+ I had been getting. Along with this, my request for help towards a double buggy at the hse clinic was refused also. I had never been so broke and so angry.

After this I seemed to get worse and worse, I went back to work after 7 months as I could not afford to continue. I got into awful situations with my boss who was a bit of a bully, I was nit picked at work, called into meetings, disciplinary ones, wrongly accused of stealing, petty criticisms, a lot of crap I was not prepared for. Things have still gone missing from work since and thankfully their attention has gone to other staff instead of me, but my furious anger and resentment is still here.

Since then I have discovered that my boy twin has to attend C.E.I.S for poor muscle tone and slow development, the tests for which are going to take a long time, including a genetic test and metabolic one. They could not even get enough bloods to do them all so I have more of a delay.

I was allocated a social worker. And get home visits from my physiotherapist for him. I was advised from a few people to apply for domiciliary care allowance for him months ago but after what I went through with a former appeal against social welfare I am terrified and depressed at the thought of it.

I tried, I went to my G.P and asked him to fill out his part of the form. He said: 'lets wait till we get a diagnosis before you find out what you're entitled to'. I was made to shove it into my handbag instead. I really am down over the whole thing.

On top of that I find myself losing my patience and flying off the handle, screaming at my toddler to behave himself, feeling guilty, apologising to him after, promising not to shout again, next day, the same thing happens all over and I feel so ashamed and unable to control what comes out of my mouth.

I feel this parenting job is too hard and I am not doing a good job, I have been to my G.P and no I'm not on tablets and I don't wish to talk to him again about the issue, or my social worker either.

[Sabbi]

Sabbi

 

Posts: 7950

Poor you - that sounds like a total nightmare. I can understand why you are feeling so angry and upset, its a very stressful situation you are in.

First off - about the domicilary grant; do you have a good local TD who can help you out with this? There is usually a clinic of local TD's once a week in each area and you can go along for some help & support about the grant and that would be one thing that might make life a little easier. Politicians are there to help us with issues like this and even though you have been in touch with one before, it might be worth trying again to get some help with this.

Do you have any family or friends who come to help out at all? Can you get some time to yourself a few times a week, even just to go for a walk and clear your head? That might help a little.

I am so sorry you are going through all this - it sounds very stressful on top of the situation you have to deal with at home with your little baby and his muscle tone.

Is your social worker good? Is he/she helping you find a double buggy? have you looked on the spot the bargain and swap shop section on Mumstown or places like Done deal to see if you can pick one up cheaply?

There is a company called Aris and they run baby fairs where they sell second hand items and you can pick up lots of good stuff on there. They have a facebook page you can check out.

Do you have a charity shop near where you live? You can ask the staff to look out for certain items for you and they will give you a call if things come in that you are looking for.

We all lose the plot sometimes as parents and shout and say things we don't mean and then we feel bad and apologise afterwards so please don't beat yourself up too much. Next time you think you are going to get angry at home, maybe you could try to take a deep breath and count to 10, this can help settle the anger a little bit and you don't blurt out things you may later regret.

And finally, about your GP, is there someone else in the practice who might be better able to listen to you? There is no shame in needing medication at some times in our lives, it is not a sign of weakness at all and if you feel you are really struggling, it might help to take some medication on a short term basis.

I hope some of that helps, please keep posting on here to blow off some steam whenever you need to.

[anw]

anw

 

Posts: 13

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Thanks Sabbi.

because of the helpful info on here I have changed my gp about ten minutes ago to a woman doc who might be better able to help me. also I rang nurture who were nice on the phone and offered to help.

Thanks for bothering to read and reply. I feel a bit tearful and guilty even as I write this but I felt I could not continue any longer as I have been feeling very low, and feeling as if I cannot go through one more day and at times, wishing I had the guts to end it all.

[Sabbi]

Sabbi

 

Posts: 7950

Anw - that's really positive that you changed GP and hopefully your new GP will be better able to give you the support and help you need. I hope the social worker can also help you to get the domicillary grant and double buggy sorted.

St Vincent DePaul are fantastic at helping people who are in a difficult situations - maybe you can give them a call and tell them what you are going through and see if they can help too? (http://www.svp.ie/Home.aspx)

Nurture are great and offer excellent services. They have hands on experience of dealing with Post natal depression and will be able to help you. Please do not worry about cost; I'm sure they will look after you no matter what your circumstances are.

I am very worried that you mentioned 'ending it all' - it is very scary if you are at the stage of thinking like that ever, even on the very bad days. Is there someone you can talk to now - tonight - who can offer you some support and a shoulder to lean on? Can you ask a family member or friend to come stay with you tonight or can you go stay with someone?

If you are feeling desperate at any stage tonight or in the early hours of the morning and you are on your own, please please please call the Samaritans (http://www.samaritans.org/ and phone 116 123) or Aware (http://www.aware.ie/). They can help you in the interim until you can get to your GP.

You are not on alone in this, there is support out there for you. Depression is an illness that can take over someone's life and it sounds like you do need some help to get you back on track.

Remember - your babies need you, they love you and they want you to be well and with the right help you can get through this - you just to ask for help & support.

Can you see this new GP tomorrow? Can you call first thing and make an appt?

Please let us know in the morning how you are and if you made the appointment.

Will be thinking of you.

[Sabbi]

Sabbi

 

Posts: 7950

And please don't feel guilty - Post Natal Depression is a very serious illness and you are not your usual self right now because of it.

Please don't think you are a burden on anyone - you are absolutely not. You are not well and you need help to get better.

Imagine if you fell and broke your leg - would you get help for it? Yes, of course you would. PND is just as devastating an illness but because it is your mental health, its not as easy to see.

Mumstown is here for all the up's and down's of parenting and us mums are here to offer you support to help you so please keep posting and if it helps at all, that is really great.

You are not on your own. Feel better soon. x

[lemonB]

lemonB

 

Posts: 180

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First of all Im very sorry for what you're going thru at the moment. The only place I can think of besides the ones Sabbi has already suggested would be Drogheda Womens Refuge. The ladies working there are so nice and helpful and if you go to them for a chat and explain your situation they might let you avail of they free counseling services. They also get a lot of donations and they might be able to help with a free buggy, my son goes to play school over there and I actually saw a double buggy donated only 2 days ago.
Good Luck and please remember there's no such thing as a perfect mother, we all make tons of mistakes.

[Sabbi]

Sabbi

 

Posts: 7950

And we ALL need help sometimes. Being a parent gets the better of us all at certain stages and you have a lot to deal with at the moment - its more than the usual sleepless nights up etc. - so its bound to be getting you down.

[anw]

anw

 

Posts: 13

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thanks guys.

I spoke to the Samaritans last night, I have a gp apt this Friday and phoned work and got 2 weeks off, too. I am ok for a double buggy now, I was just saying how impossible things were around the twins time of birth.

Fortunately I have only another 8 weeks left of my work contract so I am trying to make it through till then. Today I treated myself to a massage with a xmas voucher and it was nice, I am trying to beat off the depression as I speak but it feels like a raincloud and I am not convinced I can even get through any day.

Last night was pretty black for me, I was totally unable to cope with my screaming 1 year old daughter who kicked off just as I was falling to sleep, but my partner took her thankfully but I was overwhelmed with anger and frustration with her which burned through me and I felt disappointed in myself because I love her so much and hate feeling like that.

I did feel very low yesterday and kept wishing that I would have the courage to end it to be honest but I am way to much of a wimp to actually do anything, but at times it seems like a great way out, for me.

[Haileysmum]

Haileysmum

 

Posts: 697

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please don't even think about commiting suicide ,your life is so important to your kids, family & friends even if you think it isn't important right now. you just aren't thinking clearly right now as your life it tricky for you but I promise things will get better & soon you will find a day where getting up & out of bed isn't difficult & things that are stressing & upsetting you right now wont seem so bad.

Please keep ringing the samaritains & if you can confide in family or friends as to how low you are feeling ,Im sure they will help you out. please take care of yourself & keep posting your thoughts here & we will try & help you as much as we can

[Sabbi]

Sabbi

 

Posts: 7950

Does your partner know how low you are feeling? Thoughts of suicide are very dangerous and cannot be ignored. Please share your worries and fears with someone close to you so they can help you. Your partner or mum or sister or friend - anyone who can give you some support to help you cope.

Medication for depression is not a failure and if you need it thats ok, its nothing to be ashamed about. You need to get better so you can get back to being happy and enjoying life.

If you do not look after yourself and get better your family will be devastated. They need you - please try to talk with your partner and good luck with the GP tomorrow - please be honest and tell them how bad you are feeling.

You need help - please do not be afraid or ashamed to ask for it. So many women go through this - you are not alone.

[anw]

anw

 

Posts: 13

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Thankyou everyone,

Yes, I am going to talk to my gp tomorrow (Friday) and I went for a swim at my local pool earlier today. Unfortunately, I kept churning it through my mind, whether or not to tell her the truth, as it is really really scarey for me, telling someone in authority how bad I feel. It's a completely different thing posting it out here today on the internet. What I am afraid of is who she will say it to, as it breaches confidentiality- also, what she will write down about me. It makes me paranoid. Once it has been said it can't be undone, you know? Also, what if my social worker gets wind of it? Will she take my kids away? They are not neglected in fact the opposite- they are really well cared for in fact so I hope that is seen and noticed. Its just that my mother always upheld a fear of those in power and always told me not to trust 'them bastards' as she likes to phrase it.

Another thing that worries me is being made to find time to attend counselling- I am really pushed for time. I took 2 weeks off work to recover now but ordinarily I am only off on Tuesdays as my job contract is ongoing till end of May. Truth be told I have no other choice but to see it through because I discovered I do not have sufficient PRSI up to claim disability benefit so I am forced to continue working or my money is seriously cut if I don't, as I am living with my partner and that means it gets reduced.

I feel trapped by things like work and money and it compounds my feelings of despair. I have thought about getting a better job with more money after this one is over and I cry, wondering when I will ever feel strong enough and energetic enough to really take a job on.

I sleep early each night, at about 8pm, I crawl into bed with my one year old twin daughter and breastfeed her into a sleep, I am shattered, so badly exhausted I cannot move after that. I sleep well into the next morning before a tiring 2 hours begins, where I try my hardest to feed my 3 year old son and twins their breakfast, dress them, organise their food and bags for the crèche, (where they attend full time) and my partner has to leave each day for full time college where he studies computer maintenance.

I can't figure out if I really do have pnd or not. Don't laugh you might think that's very idiotic of me to say, but for a long time I really did blame general exhaustion, burnout and financial worries as the cause of it, especially as I used to be up until midnight doing chores before bed. That had to stop recently, as I fell SO sick with a violent bug that I was in bed for 2 weeks with the flu. I am only just recovering from it actually.

At the party for my 3 year old son's birthday, which was just after xmas, I remember feeling so depressed. Just days earlier I had driven down the motorway checking my rearview mirror waiting for a suitable break in traffic so that I could gather the courage to swing my steering wheel into the concrete barriers. The chance came but I was too afraid, scared that it would hurt, scared that it wouldn't be successful and that I would be left brain damaged or in a wheelchair for the rest of my life.

Unfortunately, last week I felt the same way and took another spin in the car, I told myself to stick to the back roads and avoid the motorway. By accident I found myself driving on it as I forget to avoid it. The whole time, I kept looking for breaks in the fencing on my left and mentally visualised swinging my car wildly into one of the fields or even up a grass hill and flipping over and over till my misery ended. And this is the only clue I have that I may have pnd.....

[Sabbi]

Sabbi

 

Posts: 7950

its good that you get to bed early and can sleep so well - I have my sleep broken every night by a 2 year old who will not sleep through and I am often knackered going to work. I know how tiring it can be but we have to try to find ways to cope with tiredness. I have 4 children and a job and its so hard sometimes but if I am feeling down or frazzled, I will ask for help.

Mums are not superheroes, we ALL need help sometimes, there is no shame in asking for it

Its hard being a parent but that's the way it is when you have small children - you need to get help and rest when you can and do you best for your children and if you are feeling like this alot, it is not good for you or your children

Its very worrying you are thinking about driving into traffic or bollards - I think you need to tell your GP about this tomorrow. Its a dangerous situation.

What will happen if you feel like this someday and the children are in the car? what if you get distracted by the way you are feeling and something happens to them? you would never forgive yourself.

you owe it to them to get help and get yourself sorted. talk to your partner and GP - they are there to help you.

no one will want to take your children away but if you don't get help, this situation could get worse and who knows what will happen

fix yourself and the rest will fall into place too hopefully

good luck tomorrow

[libby1]

libby1

 

Posts: 1226

Please tell your GP tomorrow how you feel, you owe it to yourself and your children..

I have 2 children older now, but it too can be demanding....

Please what happens if you are driving and get distracted, Have you know family that you can talk too? Or get help from..

Please tell your gp

[Haileysmum]

Haileysmum

 

Posts: 697

• E-mail Haileysmum

I hope you find the courage to be 100% honest with your doctor today, it will be the first step towards you getting the help that you need.

keep us updated

[munchin]

munchin

 

Posts: 5445

I really hope you got to see the GP today and that he/she was helpful

[anw]

anw

 

Posts: 13

• E-mail anw

thanks everyone

yes I did contact my G P and social worker and they are concerned and I am now on tablets.

I never planned to crash my car with my kids inside. I always thought about it when I was alone in my car. I am not that demented that I am a killer. Just suicidal to myself. I love my kids.

[libby1]

libby1

 

Posts: 1226

Thanks
You shared your problems...

Hopefully the tablets will work and you will get sorted.. i was thinking of you today..

[anw]

anw

 

Posts: 13

• E-mail anw

Thanks a lot Libby1

I am completely overwhelmed and last night I did not sleep at all as my anxiety is through the roof.... it is awful to say as I did not wish things to turn out this way.

My social worker is really worried and will call out to me Monday. In the meantime I spoke to my boss who is not happy to take me back (not that I want to as I feel far too unwell) but as a result I am a bit stressed out financially now and researched online whether or not I could apply for Disability Allowance instead.

It is a bit of a maze going through the social welfare legislation to see if I would have a chance. Not that I even have the energy right now but it would be an enormous comfort to me to think that I could take a break from work to get better and not have to be really broke as that is awful too, especially as I am sending my kids to crèche still.

Anyhow I hope things sort out as I actually feel quite helpess and unable to figure it all out.

[Sabbi]

Sabbi

 

Posts: 7950

Your social worker should be able to advise and help about the allowances so try not to stress too much about that - the social worker is there to help you. Ask her to help you apply for that on Monday when you see her.

if you are stressed financially and explain this to her, she should be able to help you get that problem sorted.

glad you were able to talk to your GP. the tablets can take a few days to kick in so please just try to be calm and patient and hopefully in a few days you will feel ok.

[allyj]

allyj

 

Posts: 246

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hi anw, I felt so sad for you when I read your post and very concerned. Regardless if your distress is caused by post natal depression or some other form of depression, you must believe and remind yourself that it is temporary, with the right help and support you will get better. It is great that you have taken the vital first steps to get the help that you need. When you start to feel better and you find the strength, do try to build up a support network around yourself. There is a help line number specifically for post natal depression at www.pnd.ie and they may be able to tell you what supports are in your area. Also, I believe that public health nurses also play a role in supporting mothers who are struggling with post natal depression. And you mentioned you are still breastfeeding (fair play to you with all you have going on), perhaps cuidiu or La Leche League may have support groups in your area. Medication can take some time to work, so please hang in there cos your kids need you to stick around. I can tell you that a good friend of mine lost her mother when she was only a toddler and it has had such an impact on her life. Nobody could ever replace you for your children, they only have one mammy so please look after her.

[Sabbi]

Sabbi

 

Posts: 7950

Hey anw, how are you doing? Hope you are doing ok.

I saw today that there is an 'Emotional Wellbeing Conference' on in May and I thought it might be of interest to you?

It is being run by Nurture, who help women with post natal depression and here are all the details:
http://nurture-emotional-wellbeing-conf ... ntbrite.ie
Date: Saturday 10th May, 2014
Venue: Gresham Hotel, 23 Upr. O’Connell Street, Dublin 1
Registration: 9.00am (Presentation of CPD Certificates)
Conference Commences: 9.30am Sharp
Conference Finishes: 1.40pm
Coffee Break: 11.00am – 11.20am
Cost of Conference: €40 per person
Double Ticket Discount: €70 in total

[chewieodie]

chewieodie

 

Posts: 1375

I have nothing to add to all the helpful comments on here... other than, a problem shared is a problem halved...

This is a place where you can safely voice your feelings, and you will always find someone willing to listen... and help in any way they can....

I'm just sending you a virtual hug, and letting you know that you aren't alone...xxx

[anw]

anw

 

Posts: 13

• E-mail anw

Thanks everyone! The conference sounds great, it is too far for me to travel but it was nice of you to post the info and maybe others will benefit from it, I am doing ok, I am getting through each day right now.

I still have suicidal thoughts but tomorrow my g.p and social worker are referring me to the local mental health team and it looks like they might give me stronger meds if it needs to be done. In the meantime I have a nurture counselling appointment next Wednesday in limerick so that's something good I can focus on.

Thanks to everyone for all your best wishes and helpful advice and comments......

[Sabbi]

Sabbi

 

Posts: 7950

That all sounds really good and its positive that you are taking stepa to get help.and get well. Please keep posting when you need to and please let us know how you get on at the.nurture appt next week amd with the mental health team. Hope you will be feeling better soon. Take care.

[scole1]

scole1

 

Posts: 4961

hi anw..

i've just logged on and read your posts...there is always a way to find help, and firstly you have done the brave thing in voicing what is in your head and admit you need help...this is always the hardest thing to do..but know that you have ways and means to get help and a platform here to share how you are feeling where others will listen and not judge but help guide..

pieta.ie is also a good place to go to for advice specially set up for those with suicidal thoughts...

love and hope with you... x