Mumstown Chat

by **m_shiels1** » Thu Jan 13, 2011 2:29 pm

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HI,

I'm new to this forum, I joined after hearing an interview on Spin sw radio. I had a misscarriage at the time and taught it might help me to read about other peoples experiences, which did so thank you all for sharing.

we have one daughter she is 8 years old. I didn't plan on having another, but last year decided to try as I don't want her alone without any brothers or sisters!!, i had miscarriage at week 5/6. First time ever having a misscarriage and as you all know I was devastated.

Now I am lost on whether to try again or not. My body is ready, i have had good few monthly cycles etc, but i have started thinking am I mad to go again, the cost of childcare etc, low income while on maturnity leave etc etc.

we would love another child, but financial doubts have now crept in

any advice

by **Sabbi** » Thu Jan 13, 2011 3:02 pm

Sabbi: Posts: 7950

If money was not an issue would you try again? if your pregnancy last year had been successful would you have coped financially with the cost of the baby? if yes is the answer to those questions maybe yes is the answer?

I grew up as a child in the late 70's & 80's when Ireland was in an awful economic state. I have 3 sisters and 1 brother. My sisters and I all shared one room in our small council estate house. So 4 girls, in one room and you know what - it never really bothered me. My dad worked in the army so not a great wage at all and my mam stayed at home to look after us and though we did not have loads, I never felt we went without.

Sure there were days when my sisters & I fought and bickered over clothes and toys but overall I had a really happy childhood. I did not have the latest toys or designer clothes or even many fancy clothes :lol:

but it does not seem to matter. I had the best thing possible growing up - siblings! We all worked when we were in our teens and earned our own money and it was good that we did, it taught us early on we had to work for the things we wanted, nothing was handed to us and we are all hard workers now so I think it was good we grew up the way we did.

I am so close with my brother and sisters now and even though we still annoy each other sometimes, we all get on great and are a very tight knit bunch. I don't know what I would do without them.

If money is the only worry, there are ways around it as there are lots of ways to get things on a budget. There are online stores for 'nearly new' maternity & baby clothes, there is a swap shop section on here for cots, buggies etc. There is a furniture store on here who regularly does 3 in 1 buggy/car seat promotions, baby gadgets & equipment deals so you can pick up alot of things on a budget and you would have 9 months to prepare, so you can pick things up gradually as your pregnancy progresses, if you do go ahead.

Imagine how exciting it would be for your LO to have a baby brother or sister?

Miscarriage is majorly traumatic, I know, we have had two but it would not deter me from trying again. A new baby is such a wonderful joy and gift and financially, you would most likely find a way to manage.

Damn this government for what they have done to our country, it saddens me enormously that finances may be stopping people trying for a baby they want.

I hope whatever decision you make you are happy with and it is the right one for your family.

Best of luck. x

by **Taylor5** » Thu Jan 13, 2011 3:44 pm

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i know just how you feel, i would say go for it! Im sitting here typing with my "after mc toddler" pulling the power supply to my laptop and pressing the power botton, he is the love of my life and i dont know how i'd cope without him, he just completes me!

I love ds1 but ds2 is the icing on the cake for me.... dont worry about money! No matter what life throws at us we cope, how much does a box of nappies cost.... maybe you have stuff from dd, if not there is always some mum looking to flog off a job lot of baby things for little or nothing.

If you thinking about a 2nd then you want one, dont live with regrets... talk to you gp about what you can do to get your body ready for pregnancy start taking folic acid, vit b and epo, just caffine from your diet
Like Sabbi im life was the very same, youngest of 6 kids, times were hard but we never went without and we were never alone.... my home was a busy one but a very very happy and crowded one

by **MUMMY5** » Thu Jan 13, 2011 4:43 pm

MUMMY5: Posts: 963

I think if we waited for the 'right' time to have a baby we'd all be a long time waiting. And even when you decide you want a baby sometimes these things take time and its not a case of deciding and knowing 9mths from now you will have your baby.....though for some it can be. I had 3 children, one with special needs but was so happy when my 4th came along. He added a new dimension to our family (being the only boy among 3 girls) like every child did and even though was tough work (try pushing a wheelchair and a new baby in a sling!!) was the right choice. We lost our little girls sadly in 2005 but I went on to have another little boy in 2008. He came into our family and really is a little treasure. Meant getting the attic converted, we had a people carrier already. Money,money,money. But we get there...by hook or by crook. Would I prefer to have less children....definatley NO. Its not easy having a larger family unless your super rich

but I always say life changes and you never know what will come your way. When I see the 2yr old with his older sisters 12,15yrs getting his nails painted, hair blowdried :lol:

it brings so much fun and laughter into our home. I couldnt imagine it any other way. I'm from a family of 6 children and my own children love the bigger family dynamic with aunts, uncles, cousins etc. I appreciate money is a big, big issue and childcare also. (I gave up working outside the home when I had my 5th baby).

How I know I made the right decision, I imagine the future winning the lotto and my biggest regret would be not having had my children to share it with. I would hate to have made the decision not to have had more children and then find I had oodles of money but no-one to spend it on.

by **Sabbi** » Thu Jan 13, 2011 4:48 pm

Sabbi: Posts: 7950

Mummy5, what a lovely post. Can just imagine you pushing Niamh along while carrying a new baby in a sling as well.

I think siblings are great, glad we have 3 lo's - they'll be great company for each other growing up and when they leave home I hope they stay as close to each other as I am with my siblings. Would not have it any other way - well, unless we add to our numbers :lol:

by **MUMMY5** » Thu Jan 13, 2011 5:08 pm

MUMMY5: Posts: 963

Thanks Sabbi, really can't beat the kids for a laugh...mind you I wouldn't mind an 'adult only' night out soon...need to eat from a table thats not covered to protect it, drink from a glass thats breakable, eat with cutlery that isn't a bit bent by kids messing. Also to sit on a chair that you don't have to check for food on before you sit down, to have someone else bring me the food, rather than 'Mammy I want', to have a candle lit on the table without some little person trying to sing happy birthday and blow it out... :lol:

but after all that I'd probably sit there talking about them and missing them :lol:

by **hjs** » Thu Jan 13, 2011 7:11 pm

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If u r even asking, there must be a want in you to SOME degree or other....

whatever costs, drawbacks, impracticalities of another child, if thats the way it ends up we always get round them.

Give it 1 go maybe, leave it in the hands of fate for a pre-determined time, 6 months, 12, 18, whatever, but say we'll give it til then and c what happens...

we can over-analyse these things. i am an only child, there are disadvantages the older you get family-wise, and u have to learn to work hard at friendships whereas siblings - at least u are obliged to be either friends or enemies, it's not a "non" relationship if you like, whether u like it or not

by **Sabbi** » Sun Jan 23, 2011 6:25 pm

Sabbi: Posts: 7950

Well m_shiels1, what did you decide??? :wink:

by **lyn11** » Sun Jan 23, 2011 7:45 pm

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Please don't be put off for economic reasons. I have friends who had twins and then both lost their jobs. They have survived, still have their house, food on the table, and clothes for the girls. Yes they have been cautious with their money and sensible about not needing new things for their girls but those two little girls are loved so much. You will be amazed at what friends and family have lying around for a baby and like others have said you can swap or buy second hand too. We all grew up in family hand me downs and I remember getting just as much joy from a bag of second hand clothes as buying new ones.

I have had 2 miscarriages and know how daunting it can be to try again (we are at that stage too) but I know we have love we want to share. Put your doubts down on paper and look at realistic ways around them and if you will be able to cope. Hopefully this will help you to make up your mind.

by **pookie2** » Sun Jan 23, 2011 10:13 pm

pookie2: Posts: 632

Agree with all said above.

Am eldest of six, grew up in 70s & 80s, had enough & didn't feel we'd missed anything but, for example, holidays involved staying in my aunties' houses when our wealthier relatives (with smaller families) were overseas on hols, & our 'new' cars were always my uncle's 'old' cars.

We had 6 cousins across the road & the clothes crisscrossed the road depending on who fitted into them.

Interest rates went up to 16% & parents nearly lost the house, we all worked as teens - & we are all (more or less) still balanced human beings today.

It is great to have siblings & even though we don't live in one another's pockets, I know they would rush to my defence / support without hesitation whatever the situation.

I was 35 when I married my hubby (took ages to find him!!) & am due 3rd baby. Hubby adament that this is the last (he's 44) but to be honest - even though I'm a whisker from my 39th birthday, I'd probably love more.
We live in a three bedroom terraced house, the boys share a room & so will the third one if I have my way. Best craic for kids growing up - also teaches them to share.

In short, don't let financial worries put you off. Things work themselves out. On this very site I was even lucky enough to get a beautiful cradle - delivered to the house! - for free.

Remember, kids need love & care & not cash.

by **m_shiels1** » Mon Jan 24, 2011 4:52 pm

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Thank you all so much for your replies. I too am from a large family, I'm youngest of 7 so I know how great it is. I had my mind made up last year and all financial queries that i had in my head all answered and sorted.

Then we got pregnant and then had miscarriage. Now I am back to the financial questions- but I think a few of you have already mentioned, i'm probably using this as an excuse to delay things.

We are not that badly off, were both working thank God, so i know we would manage, I mean when we had our first Child i wasn't working and she has had everything she needed. I think I am just scared.

However we have decided to go for it and see what happens. I am not going to be checking my ovulation dates etc (which is what i was doing last time), I am now leaving it as - if it happens it happens (would be delighted of course).

Just think i'm a little scared that's all.

Thank you all very much.

by **Sabbi** » Mon Jan 24, 2011 8:28 pm

Sabbi: Posts: 7950

well at least you can have fun trying....its great when you are just going with the flow. :wink:

Acupuncture is great for relaxing and helping get your cycle back on track.
After our miscarriage last year I went to Mark Bell and he helped me enormously. My period was coming every 2-3 weeks but within a few weeks of seeing Mark, it was back to normal. Its nice to take some time out for yourself and I found the acupuncture very relaxing and it helped me relax and sleep better too.

Massage is great as well, Indian head is amazing for relaxation....

Hope you have fun trying and have good news at some stage this year!

by **Sabbi** » Tue Feb 10, 2015 1:37 pm

Sabbi: Posts: 7950

Did you guys go again?? Hope everything worked out.

by **allyj** » Tue Feb 10, 2015 7:05 pm

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I always think follow your heart in these situations and somehow the practical stuff like finances will get sorted eventually. But just one thing, don't feel guilty if you decide to stick with one. Being an only child has many advantages, undivided time, resources and attention from parents to mention but a few, and yet we tend to focus on the disadvantages and feel guilty for not providing a sibling. I enjoyed having a sister to grow up with but equally I have friends who would have given their left arm to be an only child! Families come in all shapes and sizes these days, so whatever fits for you is good enough.